Excitement... kicks in.... :D

I guess everybody go through bad days, huh? But sometimes i'm not sure anymore if that's the real caused of SHITTY behavior. Sometimes maybe it's caused by some other reasons?

Anyway.. FUCK! I ain't bothered.

I have photo viewing tomorrow. I can't wait to see what the photos are like. We suppose to view them last week but Bryan the 'photo editor guy' couldn't make it because his wife was induced in hospital. Oh.. how cool! ;)
Tomorrow would be the day. :)

Plan is to go to church 11am, then meet up with mumdad and auntsuncle at Fu Quang San temple to eat vegetarian meal (they're SOOO GOOD!!!! Meat-like vegetable. Weird but YUMMMM). After lunch, don't know what mum has planned but wherever it is we're going, i don't care, as long as we can get to Southern Studio at 4.15PM i'd be happy.

We weren't going to do any indoor photo shoots in here, but we won this so why not. :) We do have to spend a bit of money still for the make up and printing cost, but hey it's okay. :)

After that we're gonna eat at HUNAN restaurant @ D Rd with Anne and Domi (maybe with Lisa and Tama? Not sure Anne's plan).

Then monday WILL come weather we like it or not. Another 8 hours full day of work. So will tuesday be. BUT after those 2 days...... YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!! I can't wait!! HOLIDAYYYY!!!! I'm gonna wake up soo late... and sort my shit out, book a doctor to get jabs before we go back Indo and eat those dirty food and get diarrhea YUCK. And pack up luggage, clean up so that when we come back from holiday at least we're going to go home to a nice clean house instead of "SLAPPED back to reality" HAHAHA.

OHHHHHHH EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

Few more sleeps away...

Oh it's only a week away until that day when i could just wake up when i want to wake up!!! Gosh.. HOLIDAY!!!! 6 weeks!!! How exciting!!!!

Few days after that we're flying!! I've done my homework about Bandar Seri Begawan, the city we're going to spend 15 hours waiting for our plane to Jakarta at.
9.30AM is the arrival time and based on my research, the airport would have luggage locker that is based in the arrival level. Lets hope that this is true!!! I WILL NOT carry my hand luggage around while traveling!

So far, the places we're going to visit are:
1. The Royal Regalia Building
2. Sultan Omar Ali Saifuddin Mosque
3. Yayasan Shopping Centre
4. Jerudong (not the amusement park coz i heard it's like ghost park there now)
5. Kampung Ayer

Now, i have no idea how to get to places yet other than knowing that we can catch bus from Airport to city centre and the places we're going to visit aren't that far from the city and each other. I wish i'm right.

I'm excited to see around.. and eat there. I heard food there are nice, lots of variety and CHEAP!

We have time to explore till 12PM that night before we have to go back to the airport to check in again to catch our flight to Jakarta.

We would arrive in Jakarta at 2am ish. SLEEPING TIME.... till afternoon.. then HUNT for suits, or any accessories we need for the photo shoot on thursday!
BUSY!!!

Can't wait to catch up with dear pepenk.. and herlyn.. also all other mates! Jass bar, food, relaxation, mall ARGHHHH.. I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

The new beginning.. *Metamorphosis*

I've been so drawn for too long. Million of questions pop in my head, i tried to heal my wound.. Somebody said to me once "CRY.. till you can't CRY anymore.." Really? It has been too long that i forgot what it feels like to go through the day without tears... Everyday I asked God.. WHY? God WHY? I was angry.. I was sad.. I was hurt... I felt so confused.. these questions never stop popping.. they started to multiply.. 1 to 3 to 6 to 12 to 24 even 48 or more in a minute.. I tried so hard to find the answers through my human mind. I wanted to be responsible for my own mistake that i have done. And 1 day.. I fell hard into the ground.. I said "God, i can't take it anymore.. STOP.. please STOP the questions.. STOP the tears.." (I cried so much that I really did stop crying physically.. but my heart felt like it was popping... it felt like there was a waterfall.. sliced and cut me into pieces).
So that day i heard.. "Have you had enough?"
I just melted down... and thought.. "Jesus, what have i done to myself????" And suddenly in that moment when i PAUSED.. everything came to sense.

I didn't see that life's a choice. I didn't know that I even had the right to CHOOSE!!
There i met him.. I knew since the beginning that it wasn't right! He was a nice person BUT we're just different (TOO DIFFERENT) kind of person. I was given so many hints.. but stubborn me.. I tried to be the complete opposite than what my parents wanted me to be/do. It was MY OWN choice that i stayed there, I understood that, but i blamed God "WHY LET ME?". And now I know because there was a purpose for it. If i didn't stay with him, I wouldn't be who i am now. I was stupid, shy, scared of the world. Through him i learned how to stand up for myself and be brave when i don't need to fear anything. And the most important of WHY i had to go through that relationship was My lil' angel. She is the main purpose of WHY i had to go through that. If we didn't, she would never EXIST!
So i said.. "God i now understood that everybody make mistakes, and i forgive myself for doing that, for being stubborn and always try to get EVERYTHING MY WAY! So i now i also understood that YOU will not let it happen either if it wasn't meant to be! I made mistake, but through that mistake i learned, and the purpose of it all came to right."

Now.. the next stage.. Okay I'm now walking to the new part of life. My second chance to live in this world. I successfully unstrapped myself from the life i wasn't meant to be at. But what about her? Yes she has a purpose to live OF COURSE otherwise GOD will not even let her EXIST. Why let her suffer for what I have done? WHY HER?? This is the LARGEST WOUND i have to heal.. WHY GOD? I understood that i made mistake, i wouldn't change a thing because yes because of that i changed, but.. what about her?? She doesn't need to suffer for what i've done?? WHY HER??!!!! I was angry!!! I was sad!!!!

"God, i could bear the consequences myself!!! Missing her everyday feels beautiful. I know i love her that's why i miss her. When i need her, i bear it hard. It's consequence that i have to go through because of the mistake that i've done in my past. For being with him in the first place. So i could bear it. With understanding is even easier. But what about her??"

This one is tough. I asked everyday.. and everytime i pray to God and asked "God should i get the custody? Should i fight for it? Why do i feel wrong for doing that? Is it fear that makes me NOT want to fight for it? Or is it because there's another chapter of why GOD is letting this happen?"
Twice i asked that question, and when I went to church (different churches - different time of the year) twice the story of Abraham was told. I'm trying to hold on to her so much.. OF COURSE.. i love her! And God is saying to me.. "SHE COMES FROM ME! SHE EXIST BECAUSE OF ME!" I just said to God.. "Lord if you do need her to live her purpose of life, of course i have to trust You and let YOU take her to where she suppose to be. I should stop planning because ALL PLANS come from YOU".

Suddenly.. my heart comes to peace. It's like the wind stop blowing so hard.. the wave stop hitting me.. and i could see better..
End 2007 was time when God decided that it was a good time for me to stay inside my little cocoon. I fought it, i didn't want to be there but God said "YOU WILL THEN FLY". So i stayed.. and in that little cocoon He shaped me, taught me, and grew wings on me. I kept praying.. and ask God for wisdom... and understanding..

Now i'm a butterfly.. God let me see things from the air.. so i could see better. God's great!!! I know He's always gonna be there... and I love HIM.. and He loves me too!!!

"Thank you God for everything that you have done.. I couldn't always see it, but now i'm just gonna trust you...."

21.07.08

It has been 2 months since i last see my flower. Wonder how she has been.....
I miss her sooo much.. Every now and then it flashes back that day she was born... that day i spent with her in the hospital.. just the two of uz.. getting to know each other.... That was beautiful. She is 1 that i CAN'T NOT love.. She's beautiful.. adorable.. and just lovable as herself individual....

Some nights I dream about having her in my arms for real.. she just points my nose or cheek or eye with her tiny finger.. I see her smile.. and hear her laugh... oh boy.. feels like a knife slicing into my heart every time i wake-up....

I wish this could be just a mistake of time.. a drawing i could just erase and re-draw... I wish i thought million times before i made that decision!!! I wish she is part of my life now.. not my past...

Oh boy... it's painful...

I asked in the past..
if the marriage was meant to be why i felt the way i felt.. and i found the answer for that..
if the marriage was meant to be.. why did i feel guilty for breaking up? God answered me for that too..

And the tough questions.. about my daughter.. the flower of my heart... yes.. i got the answer for these too..
i asked..
why a child with him??? He said to me.. because God wants him to have a child..
why through me??? because i once prayed that i would let God use me for whatever work he is doing.. and He knows i could.. I would..
She was a miracle.. I didn't suppose to do it, but i did. It shouldnt've happened, but it has. I'm fine.. the baby's fine.. she's a gift for his family...
what about me and my life??? Clearly answered.....
I'm not sick.. I suppose to appreciate it..
I've been given a new life.. I suppose to appreciate it..
I've been given the real meaning of LOVE... I suppose to appreciate it!!!!!

But i'm still hurt... i'm still in pain.. Why????
Help.....

Lord.. have mercy.....

It is unbearable....

...........................................

01.05.08

GOD knows what happened exactly a year ago!!! My baby was born. Can't even spend time with her to myself today. But of course I understand I have no control over her anymore in whatsoever. At least I know I've done good job in bringing her into the world. She's healthy, beautiful. The others who REALLY want to take her just for the sake of having her.. go on.. HAVE HER.. I never ever lost her anyway. She's in my heart. FOREVER until I die.

I'm gonna move on...

For Aurel: I know you will look for mama 1 day. I'll be here... waiting... Everyday I'll be waiting.... I don't want to grief over you anymore.. Why would I grief if i never loose you in the first place? You're always in my heart. Why should i grief??
Just because you're not here with me physically doesn't mean you're not mine anymore. I don't have to have control over you to love you! I love you everyday anyway!!
You watch.. as I move on with my life.. I will include you as if you're here with me.... Live like there are 3 of us here.. If in the future you have sisters/brothers I will tell them all about you.. they will love you even if they haven't met you.
1 day Aurel... You will see apa yg mama udah pupuk sedikit demi sedikit buat kamu. Mama won't be there physically... but you're always in my heart!!!

Move... Move.. Movin' On........... I love you Aurelia Elizabeth...

AURELIA ELIZABETH

Aurelia means golden
Elizabeth means consecrated to God

I can only open my heart.. and leave it up to Him......... follow the voice of truth... the central light of life............ the beginning of all......................

Aurel.. mama ga pernah tinggalin Aurel dari hati mama. Ga pernah stop sedetikpun sayang sama Aurel... ga pernah!!! Sejak di dalem perut mama.. sampe lahir.. sampe skarang... mama CINTA Aurel... sampe slamanyapun akan sama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ga akan pernah stop sayang Aurel!!!! :'( :'( :'(
Lebih baik liat Aurel utuh daripada 1/2. Mama liat dari jauh aja! I love u!

Aurelia......

Aurelia...........

My baby...................... :(

My precious little baby...................... :'(

Mama will always love you dearly.......

Oh my baby love.....

Tonight I feel my heart screaming... how I miss my dearly Aurelia!!!! My sweet little baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LOVE, MY SOUL to give!!!! Sacrifice.. for whom I believe I failed to give my life to.
My baby love..... Aurelia Elizabeth!!!!! Sad to the bone!!!!

FORGIVE MAMA...... :'( ..... FORGIVE MAMA, BABY LOVE!!!! :'( FORGIVE MAMA!!!!! :'(

Ga Penting AbiS!!!

Today.. I'm gonna write something stupid. :D

As I feel like I have no more problem anymore. Close the old chapter... and just write the ending of the book properly before I close it. :)

I woke up... 6.45am this morning? And then got ready to "work".
Got to work 7.50am.. Fed Ollie, bathed her, changed her, then went back to mom's.
10.15am we got to mom's, she has been sleeping since 10.45am and now it is 1PM. Good isn't it???
Gotta feed her soon.. and... then... bottle :)

Anyway... ga penting kan??? LOL ROFL!!!!!!!! WHURHWEURHWEURHEUWHUHRUWHERU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing!! I CAN laugh properly!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUERHUEHURE!!!! Feels so good when your heart, your mind, and your body - mouth etc LAUGH in the same time!!! Even what i just wrote sounded funny! HUEHRUEHRUHERUHEURHEUHRUEHUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 Days of Hard Prayers......

First night I prayed for my confusion of why I get anxious even though my heart's not empty anymore. And I go back to my eating disorder. I wanted to know why.
Open up bible randomly.. Psalm 24 was opened. I read 24 - 30? This is for my sins and my guilt that I've done. I've been forgiven!!! I've read it over and over and over and over again!!!!

Then the next night.. I wondered why I still felt the guilt.. felt like I haven't been forgiven.. I asked God to lead me through understanding His words. And i wanted Him to tell me that it was wrong to do what i did. That it is not OK. Flick the bible.. I read Ezekiel 16.. (This is NOT just coincidence I thought) I CRIEDDDDD so hard.. that all these times I haven't appreciated what God has given me!!! This is the way He talked to me to make me relise that it's not OK to do what i did. Psychologically I felt normal because i live around people who do this. But now i know it is NOT OK!!!! It hit me so bad.

Then I prayed.. so do i suppose to go back to my marriage? Why did i feel like i shouldn't? In the same time it's hard to let go because I've promised God in front of His 'altar suci' and I didn't wanna turn my back and walk away from Him. Though I feel like I don't belong here. I prayed and prayed.. flick the bible... (THIS MUST NOT BE JUST COINCIDENCE!!! IT'S SCARY!!! BUT I KNOW GOD HAS SPOKEN TO ME!!!!) it brought me to
Numbers 30:3 - "When a young woman still living in her father's house makes a vow to the Lord or obligates herself by a pledge and her father hears about her vow or pledge but says nothing to her then all her vows and every pledge by which she obligated herself will stand. But if her father forbids her when he hears about it, none of her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand; the Lord will release her because her father has forbidden her."
My parent!!! It's about my parent. My dad was the one came out to greet when I was asked to be married. And my father said.. "I won't give that blessing! But if she wanted to go on, I can't stop her". My parents weren't even in the wedding. AND.... NOWWWW.....I understand.

Then... I prayed that prayers again from Psalm to forgive me.. to take away the sins.. and now.. I don't feel heavy anymore now. God has forgiven me for the sins that I've made in the past when I was young, and released that promise I've made to Him that based on my instability.. and He has forgiven me and taught me a valuable lesson to NOT RUNAWAY.. Start things GOOD and End things GOOD. If it didn't start good.. If i was there because I didn't love myself.. nothing to loose.. at least I could end it good! And yea.. I'm doing it. I'm ending it good!!! Because I care about him.. and my daughter.. I can't keep lying to myself and them... I'm being honest and just trying to be who I AM now!
He's giving me another chance to live a good life!!!! I just have to relised everything I've done and forgive myself, forgive everyone who hurt me before and END my past there!!! And live a new life as a new me. I feel so blessed and so LOVED by Him. How He is such a kind loving God!!
As for the person who i believe WILL stay with me through out the rest of my new life journey... Loving him in the wrong time was a mistake I've done to Edo, Edo's family and Edo's friends.. but this is how God wanted me to learn EVERYTHING that I've learnt today!! I feel as if I've grown ALOT MORE! (With Sue's help too I got a grip of myself!!! I'm the winner of my own NEGATIVE/POSITIVE voices inside myself!!! I control my security/insecurity!! Not the other way around!!! I LOVE ME!!)
But... Loving him WASN'T A MISTAKE to anyone!! Weather he was there or not.. My last HAD TO BE OVER!!! It might be a mistake to myself.. but not to anyone else!!! I KNOW I didn't choose 1 over the other!!! AND for me.. I don't care if anybody else don't know it, as long as GOD knows, and I know!!
However.. we're reedeeming this mistake by NOT seeing each other anymore.. If we're meant to be... we'll see each other again!! :)

-Rin-

STaRTiNg My LiFe FroM ZeRo...

After all these years, I've relised that I DON'T have a life. I thought I've started it, but I actually brought myself down even further. I got out of my parents house thinking that I would start a new life somewhere but I didn't. I ran away from the main problem in life, which was HOW TO GROW UP! HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT! In fact, I didn't and I haven't until this whole situation arised.

It has been few weeks that I went back to my parent's. I've done lots of talking with people (I suppose from this I learned how to socialized and pick the right friends to be with), I've done some self-searched, and saw a counselor (Through this I found my insecurities within me), and I've done self-reflect process (And with this I have relised exactly why I did the things I did).

Few days ago I started to do the first step. I told my dearly Edo how I really feel all these years and be completely honest about the whole thing (honest doesn't mean discussing something that has nothing to do with him). I was really scared to start but I did it! I said it all! The things to be done now are to DO the consequences!! Lots of them. 6 years of living in lies brought me to the deepest dark hole of this place. I'm stepping up.

If I have brought myself down to minus all these years, I have to pick myself up to a steady ground. I'm gonna start again from the beginning. And to begin I have to undo what I shouldn't and learn from it.
I've put Edo, his family, my family, our friends, my love and MYSELF into all this hard time.. I've got to sort this out. Can't undo it, but I can say sorry. Can't explain, but I can confess. Can't pay my mistakes, but I can redeem it. I'm gonna start from the beginning!!! And that's the way it should be!!!

-Rin-

New beginning.....

Today I relised that God loves me THAT MUCH!!! I was given a PRECIOUS LIFE! Something I have NEVER relised before!!! This is a chance for me to start fresh. A new beginning. To start to live as Mayrhinne instead of May. Who i was.. who i am.. and who i always will be in the future!

Drove away from a place where I have stayed for the past 6 years.. felt so strange.. tonight I'm coming 'home' alone.
Home.. is a place with strong foundations, walls and roofs so it is weatherproof. A place to hide from the hot sun, cold wind, freezing snow.
It is also a place where I should feel save and sound.. Where I could draw a line between right or wrong.. where I could runaway to when I feel so lost..
A place to share the tears and the laughs with your loved ones.

Have I ever had a home?
My parents built their home before I was born. Weather it is a strong place for them to be save or not I'm not sure, only they know. But for me.. the place i've been calling a 'home' for a long time.. just probably wasn't actually a good place to belong. I feared that place. That's where I was punished when I did wrong. And how did I draw the line of right or wrong, if everytime I did what's right I never told I was? I was lost in my own place i called a 'home'.
Came to my teenage life.. when I was TOTALLY LOST. I had nowhere I feel save to go to.. And that's when I began to desperately search. I had no religion/belief that guide me through either.. I was just as bad as I could be. I did anything to search for that place.. where my soul belongs to. I found a place, familiar surrounding except it was better because I chose the person i wanted to be there with. I thought, maybe i felt empty at mom's because I couldn't search for who I am, they always treated me like a child. And thought to become myself I have to decide who I want to be.. and I chose to be at that new place, tried as hard as i could to hold that. But I just felt empty still.

I think how to find who u are is to be able to draw your own line that define what's wrong and what's right/ what's good and what's bad. To have myself, my own line to hold on to, to guide me to go through life and able to hold my own promises that are based on myself! Not others! This explains why I never felt guilty to mistakes and never felt impressed to efforts i've done. And I feel insecure because I just don't know what the hell i do in this world, and i feel unsafe. Different people have different opinions about rights/wrongs depending on how much of an understanding person he/she is. Therefore i never felt secure about my own behaviours. Do things according/based on people's guideline.

I am going to draw my own line. If in the past i keep using a pencil to draw and erase them to search.. this time I want to grab a pen and draw a bold line!!!!! I will find myself, what i want. Once i've done that, the only thing I can do to proof myself that "desire" comes from myself, is by doing it! Holding onto my own promises.

Now as for things that I've gone through, the mistakes I've made.. I feel so bad! But I also know those will shape me to be a better person! I believe everything happened for a reason. What happened, is happenning, and will happen are all God's plan! And I was given choices to do what's right but i didn't and this is a chance now!!

Live the rest of my life with a new fresh start.. Going through a new journey of my life!! Thank God as I could now see that life you have given me is precious and it made me feel special!

-Rin-

Saturday, October 27

Although you don't want to admit it, accepting defeat may be your most practical option at this point. Personal goals are met without too much resistance today. If there is an activity that interests you, now is the time to give it a try. Progress towards your goal with an open mind but try to narrow your focus.

Astro Outlook Money Love Health

Lucky Numbers 5, 9, 18, 32, 36, 39 Compatible Sign Cancer

Anak jaman skarang yeh

Divi Kecil2 udah blajar Nga-pel!! :)

Wednesday, October 24

When in doubt, be sure to take the more cautious path. You may not be ready, but an important relationship is undergoing a change. It is not yet clear whether this change is for the better. Avoid showing resentment towards those that hold power over you.

Astro Outlook Money Love Health

Lucky Numbers 14, 22, 28, 34, 38, 39 Compatible Sign Cancer

Tuesday, October 23

Start with something small and work your way up from there. Although it may seem like you are getting a raw deal, someone is actually doing you a favor. It may not seem like it at the time, but everything will become clear soon. Bring an outsider into a business situation and you will get a new outlook.

Astro Outlook

Money

Love

Health

Lucky Numbers
4, 15, 18, 30, 35, 44
Compatible Sign
Cancer

Another thing I see...

Sometimes.. my stubbornness makes my brain goes dumb dumb! LOL!!!! I prayed and prayed.. I found the answer! Well.. not gonna solve the whole problem.. but.. 1 step at the time!! That's right! 1 step at the time!!!! F*CK!!!

3 days with no sleep.. made me dumber! Thx to my only friend who could see it from another point of view. At least another thing I could try to do to go towards where I wanna be! Gosh!!! It's true when they say 'cinta butuh pengorbanan'.

Today I learn that obsession caused trouble. Sometimes to sacrifice means to make everybody and MYSELF happier. I just need to take time.... I know for sure that God has planned something good for me and everybody!!! Thank you GOD, and thanks to that smile that stays in my heart always.

-Rin-

Appreciate Friendship....

FRIENDS!!!.... appreciate your effort to try having fun with me.. I really do! Thx for Friday.... eat out! Saturday... Rock-Climbing! Sunday... Ice-Skating! Monday... Shopping! Edo.. thanks for the nice bag you bought me, and the Versace perfume you bought yourself because I said I like it. I wish I could smile for real those days! I'm sorry for disappointing you. The big picture is clear.... I know what I have to do. But the details... I'll keep it to myself.

My other friend... All these times... I thought you didn't care... I thought you like to see me down! I was wrong.. I was wrong the wholeeeeeee time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're the only one who understand how I feel right now.... the only one who cried with me through all these times..
I feel so guilty I don't think I deserve the kindness you're giving me right now. *sigh*
At this moment of life.. only you know when I need to be alone or when I need you by my side. when I need to be entertained or when I need to cry my heart out. Thank you GOD, You are still so kind, giving me a friend who understand EXACTLY how i feel, I don't even have to say lots.

It seems sooooo hard right now... but i know in the end everything's gonna be alright. Whatever God has planned, I will do. Right now.. I just pray to GOD to ease Edo's pain, mine and his. For now, that smile and warmth will help me go through each and every second of these times!!

-Rin-

Sad... sad.. drama!

The more I erase him from my life... the more attach I become. I feel really empty... I'm not here.. my soul's somewhere out there... every second I go through.. I hear his name whispered into my ears. F*CKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

I can't!!! I really can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hikzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Monday, October 22

Any doubt you had about your current position in life is put to rest as the Moon makes its way into a new Sign. You would add much to your credibility if you converted some old rivals into allies. Work hard to convince unlikely partners to go along with your ideas. Do not break anything that can't be fixed.

Astro Outlook Money Love Health

Lucky Numbers 17, 22, 27, 29, 32, 49 Compatible Sign Pisces

Inside I cry For Mercy!!!!

I'm trying so hardddddddd to let go!! It's just sooooooooooo crazy!!! I'm sad inside I can't show! ERGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH